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Transgender advice (FtM)

2020.02.28 16:49 YeetMeToDaMoon04 Transgender advice (FtM)

I’m very lost in my own head. I need some outside opinions and advice and I think that would help me out a lot.I really hate being a girl, well I’m not a girl at least not mentally (I think), this would make me trans (female to male). It’s an argument to make that being trans has become more popular and it’s easier to actually transition over the last few years and the number of detransitioners is scary. I want to come out so badly, I just want to be myself but I’m also scared that I would regret things in the future. I’m still young, 16 in April, which is definitely too young to transition medically. If I did come out then I’d just be living with my binder and my feminine voice, I would just feel fake, like I’m doing it for attention or because I don’t know maybe the internet made me think I was trans. I’m worried about being called a trender, so many people (mostly girls) think that body dysmophia is dysphoria. Hating your body is different than feeling that it’s just so wrong. When I look at myself I don’t necessarily think my body itself or my face itself is ugly but I hate it because it’s not me. Sometimes I just look at myself and feel nothing. (This may be caused from some form of depression?) When I see myself as a female I don’t think that everything is ugly I just feel like it’s not me. It’s nearly impossible to explain the feeling of dysphoria. If I actually wanted to look female I’d be a relatively attractive female but that’s the problem. I’m not saying this is how all trans people feel but some don’t completely hate their bodies.
I’m very uncomfortable with things that most people don’t think about like my hands and the way my legs are shaped. I really hate my hands, they are very small and you can they’ll they are not a mans hands. I used to make my hands look really beat up (I still do just not as much) I would try to get cuts and scratches on them so they looked more masculine. Maybe it’s just that I don’t like my hands, everything has another side to it and this is why I haven’t come out yet. My voice has been extremely dysphoric(?) recently, with being at a new school and all. I just don’t want to be called she. I’ve found that I pass much more to adult strangers than teens, I guess younger people look a bit closer than older ones (idk). I don’t know why but I just feel more comfortable when I get called he. Its really scary when other people are around though, I hate being in those situations. When I get called he It makes me feel like all my efforts are actually paying off.
Another thing about my voice is singing. I’m not the best singer ever (by far) but I’m not the worst ether. It makes me so frustrated, I love singing but sometimes it mentally hurts to sing with my feminine voice. Of course that doesn’t completely stop me from singing but I mostly sing when I’m alone. At the same lots of people feel that way, maybe it’s just me being shy. Everything that I define as dysphoria could just be other things making me think that I’m trans. I hate it so much. What it I’m just thinking I’m trans because of something else. I feel so trapped inside my head. Some detrasitioners say that they were depressed during the time they thought they were trans. I know I’ve had depression for around 2 and a half years so maybe that’s changing my mind. I’ve always been uncomfortable with my body (we’ll probably since like age 12, so puberty lol).
Thinking about when I was younger makes me question myself so much, just when I get confident that I’m trans my head goes to my younger self. I think I began trying to pass as male or when I realized since December of 2018 so about a year and a half (ish). Before that I had a period of trying to be as feminine as possible, I tried wearing mascara and dresses more often. I bought leggings and other girly things. I thought that being more girly would make me more confident. After that I thought that maybe I was a lesbian because I felt more masculine and I guess I thought all lesbians feel masculine (lol). I dated a girl and had had a massive crush on a girl which made me think I liked only girls and tried to completely ignore my attraction for guys.
I know I am an extremely clingy person. Once I make a friend or even a good acquaintance I immediately attach myself to that person. When I was younger my mom babysat twins and we were really close friends. We did everything together, I didn’t really need anyone else. I wasn’t anywhere near as bad with it as I am now because I had a few friends when I was younger. I think I noticed it when I got really close with a guy named Max in 9th grade. We were best friends, I literally would tell him everything. Anyway that didn’t last long and I kinda knew that I wasn’t going to work out, nothing ever does. I had become so dependent on him in a sense of emotional support and I dunno I would vent sooooo much to him. I was (and still am) really really annoying and I regret spilling out everything to him but I had so many locked up things I wanted to say. I just let is all spill out, I told him I was trans which I regret. The relationship was really one sided and I know I was a pain in the ass to him. I feel like such a shitty person for the way things turned out and how I couldn’t control the crush I had. I wasn’t like super weird or anything but there were a few situations where I know know must’ve made him uncomfortable. He’s very gay (like full on stereotype gay) and I was a stupid freshman who didn’t understand that simply telling someone you think ur tans automatically makes you the opposite biological gender. I guess I thought he would be a bit more supportive and whatever but blah blah blah that doesn’t matter anymore. After that I had a short internet friendship and I think the exact same thing happened. I’m working on being less attracted to people who are clearly just friends and hold back any crushes. I just don’t wanna drag anyone else into this mess until I’m a bit more confident with who I am and maybe until I’m out (or whatever). I’m lonely but I guess it’ll be that way for a while longer.
Ive had crushes on boys in the past (like elementary school) but I blocked that out and ignored it. I think as I became more depressed I went through this self discovery period (I still am). I tried my hardest to forget labels. Eventually I developed a huge crush on a guy (Max, the person I explained earlier). I tried my very hardest to ignore my feelings but I decided to let it go and let it happen. That’s an entirely different story. Now I’m mainly attracted to guys. Once again I’m dealing with a crush on a gay guy.(Side note: I’m not into him anymore lol) This really messes with my head because I’m like um do I have like a thing for gay guys or is it because I am a gay guy myself (or Bisexual or something like that although I tend to be much more attracted to guys than girls. Like 15% girls and 85% guys) I know that’s also a thing that some trender girls do. They just really like gay guys. I really don’t feel like this is me because I did think he was attractive before I knew he was gay (along with other guys, not in a sexual way.)
I think that I just won’t let myself develop a crush on someone unless I have a slight chance with them. I’ve had 4 legitimate ones. Anyway because I feel like I’m mentally a guy (who is mostly attracted to guys) this is why I fee attracted to them. Of course my mind always goes back to thinking that I’m just a girl with creepy crushes. The thing is, I’m not a very sexually attracted person, I just want to have someone to talk to and like cuddle innocent stuff like that. I don’t know if that has anything to do with bottom dysphoria. My bottom “dysphoria” is not as strong as some trans guys. its not that I don’t wish I had male genitalia and all that but I just don’t think that stuff is as important. Like if I decided to transition and alleviated things like chest and voice dysphoria then maybe things like having a dick would be more important. For right now it’s the struggle of passing, maybe sexual activity in the future and bathroom stuff but for right now I have bigger worries.
I think I could survive without bottom surgery, unlike my chest which I just want it to be flat. It’s confusing to me because I don’t completely hate my chest but i feel more like myself when I’m binding. I’ve put on bras to “test” my dysphoria. I don’t hate what it looks like I just can’t imagine myself going out in public like that it just doesn’t feel correct. (It’s honestly quite impossible to explain) I’ve tried putting on one of my sisters wire bras and it just feels so so incorrect. Ugh I’m just very confused. I really think I’d be happier with top surgery but then of course my head says that maybe I just don’t want to wear a bra (instead of binding) because everyone is used to me having a flatter chest now. Maybe I’m just a female who doesn’t like having a bigger or having one at all. This has happened before and I’ve heard of a few women who got top surgery because they just didn’t like having tits. Maybe it’s because binding has just become so normal. But then why would I get so uncomfortable when my binder isn’t flattening as much as possible or when my jacket zipper folds up making a bump where my chest is. Is that dysphoria?
I just really hate being called she, of course before I realized (or was convinced or whatever) it didn’t bother me. Now though it’s just gotten worse and worse. I’ve gotten used to my family using she/her for me so I think I block it out more. At first at my new school I passed as a male. Of course when I started making friends one girl could tell I was biologically a girl and yeah it’s confusing now. I completely blame my voice for that situation tho. When she asked if I was a guy or a girl I said (and I quote) “well technically I’m a girl but I’d rather be a guy.” I am such an idiot. I completely made myself look like the biggest trender ever. I really really regret saying that. Now everyone at my lunch table say she. most people now know I’m a girl but some say he (which can be very awkward at times and it makes my anxiety go haywire. I like being called he but I’m not out so yeah.
I mean I feel I look much more like a guy than a girl but maybe I don’t pass as well as I wish I did. Those feelings change daily, like if I get called he my confidence will be pretty high or if my chest looks more masculine.
One of the biggest things that’s been stopping me from coming out is my early childhood. I have definitely always been very different. I loved playing with bugs, I absolutely loved stuffed animals (not gonna lie, I still do) at one point I thought I was squirrel. I was a really weird kid (but like aren’t we all?). I dressed however I did, however I wanted to. Whatever clothes I had I would just wear. I didn’t care about that, it was the least of my concerns. I wore dresses sometimes and other times I ran around naked in the woods covering myself in mud. I just didn’t care. Gender wasn’t something I ever really thought about, I mean I knew I was a girl so I went with it. I’m an easygoing person most of the time and avoid arguments and stressful situations or thoughts. This would make sense as to why I didn’t have dysphoria as a child. To be honest maybe I did but I have a terrible memory and can only remember tiny snippets of my life before the age of like 12. I remember getting our cat Quinn at 5ish and little bits of me and my sister playing but that’s about it. Everything else I just remember through stories or pictures and that keeps them much more accessible in my mind. I guess I have memories of what a did but not at all about how I felt. I don’t know if I ever felt like a little boy, my mom never forced me into any stereotype so I was just myself. She let me play with the toys I wanted to (which was a decent mix between “boys” and “girls” toys.) I know in like 4th and 5th grade I dressed almost exclusively in boys clothes. I had gotten hand-me-downs from my older cousin and kept asking for more because they were more comfortable (or something like that). I remember my sister making fun of me for wearing them and I’m not sure how hard that affected me because she’s always acted like the older sibling (and I’m quite scared of her now to be honest haha).
I don’t really remember if I got bullied because of this and I know I should talk to my mum but she already has wayyyy too much to worry about. My elementary and middle school situation was a little different than most because I went to a k-12 island school with around 65 students altogether. The teachers really didn’t like my mum because she would speak her mind and call out the school for all its shitty problems. I was treated differently than most of my peers by teachers but that’s a completely different story. Ether way I stopped dressing in boys clothes and tried my hardest to act like a “real” girl around 12 or 13ish.
I know I’m jumping around everywhere in this post but it’s just so hard to get all of this figured out and written down. I guess I’ll talk about more of my childhood because this has been bothering me for a while. In my early childhood My sister and I would play “prince and princess”, i was always the prince. My mom said I didn’t like it, but when I did try to be the girl i was really bad at it. We also played it sooooo many times and it was getting really old for me, we’d play it way too often. I would ‘save’ her or we’d get ‘married’ or both, ether way I’d dress up in some kind of makeshift suit and put my hair up in a bun. Sometimes I’d even draw on a fake beard or mustache.
Even when we got older I was still usually the boy. (like I said I barely remember this) We also started playing a game called “mother and sweetie” where my little sister was my daughter and I’d have a bunch of babydoll children. That game was usually more enjoyable and I loved pretending to take care of kids and run a household. I’ve always wanted to have kids. Haha like at least 4 (I don’t really care if they are biological or not and I’m aware of the medical procedures that are necessary for a trans-med guy to have bio kids like freezing eggs and all that, which I’m not sure how interested in that I’d be because I’ve heard the process is pretty intense in physical and especially mental terms.)
Anyway, I just kinda always went with it, whatever game she wanted to play that’s what we would play. “If a biological little boy was given girls toys to play with and told that was the norm and be content with it why wouldn’t a trans boy?” Ive posted this (less edited version) on a different subreddit and someone said something along those lines, I just had to include it in this rant of mine because I liked that idea. I mean it makes sense, especially if someone is naturally a ‘go with the flow’ type person like I am and was.
The thing that tends to throw me off is that when I was like 12 and 13 I really liked reborn baby dolls. I was in that stage (or phase??) when I dressed more girly to attempt to fit in more and I guess try to be more confident. I thought that would fix what could have been dysphoria. I’ve always played with Barbies but I just loved playing and creating stories, I love writing and making storylines so that would make sense in terms of playing and creating scenarios. I got a reborn baby doll and I loved it. I would shop for it and pretend it was my kid, I like really loved dressing it and creating outfits. A memory of walking to my grandmothers always comes to mind because I was wearing a blue floral dress and was pushing the doll all the way there in a stroller (at the age of fricken 13 lol ew). I’ve always been a relatively childish person and I still played with my stuffed animals at like 13. But whatever, playing with stuffed animals doesn’t really bother me that much. I just feel like every trans person I’ve seen on the internet has had dysphoria symptoms and signs since they were like 4 and I don’t really have that. Does that mean I’m just confused or convinced or been greatly affected by depression. I just don’t understand and I really want to, I want to know my inner truth. I find it really funny that technically speaking, I should have all the answers in my head, like why do I have to try so hard to figure out something as simple as gender?
When people at school say she it just makes me so uncomfortable. Like do I really look like a girl to you? Please be honest. I don’t know, why can’t I just be a girl, why can’t I just feel like one, then I could just be normal. Or be a regular guy who doesn’t have to try so hard for nothing. Maybe I wouldn’t be so angry all the time. Some days I just kinda give up and let it happen. It’s so annoying having to try so hard to just be myself but even then I still find myself drowning in thoughts and confusion. It’s one thing for my family to use she her, but my new friends too. I have so many mixed emotions and I just need help. I’m so scared if I come out then it will ruin things with my friends. It’s so new to have people to sit with at lunch and being able to help them with their problems and give them advice. Although, I don’t ever really ask them for help or ask them for advice or tell them how suicidal I am. I just feel so annoying and selfish and like I’m wasting their time. They’re good people but I’m scared to get too close to them, I just don’t wanna scare them off like I did my last friend, Max. I told him and after that he just kinda stopped caring about me. I miss him so much and I wish I hadn’t complained about all this so often, I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. I know realize that I was just using to vent and vent and vent. Of course that wasn’t the only reason I was friends with him but I was young and didn’t really know how to maintain a good relationship (honestly I still don’t but I’m a lot better at it than I was, lol I think.) I just wish I hadn’t have ruined that one because he was one of the best people I’ve ever met and I wanted to help him, I didn’t want him to hurt like I did.
I realized that I don’t have a massive amount of bottom dysphoria, i don’t really care about that. I don’t know, I mean I think I’ve just accepted the fact that I don’t have a dick. Currently I’m not sexually attracted to anyone in the “real world”. like I’ve watched porn shit and I get like turned on or whatever but I don’t really care about sex. I’d like to keep that kind of thing to myself, which I feel is relatively normal given my age ether way. I think I do want to have some form of sexual intercourse in the future but I’m still young. I don’t know if I wish I could get like a boner or whatever, I mean you can’t miss something you’ve never had. It just doesn’t give me massive dysphoria. I do like attempting to pack though, making it look like I’ve got a bump there.
I just worry that this means I’m not trans but just saying that makes me almost angry. I ‘want’ to be trans because I want to be a guy I don’t enjoy being this way. I don’t wanna be like this, but I can’t say that I wish I was a ‘normal’ girl because My head is so against that thought. I just want To be me, I don’t care about this stuff anymore I just wanna be happy. I wanna date people without having to explain everything or dragging them into this mess. I wanna be able to tell people my name but I don’t really know what that is. Obviously I have a name but ugh it’s just so tiring, I’m so done with this, I feel like I haven’t gotten anywhere for months.
Recently I’ve been getting so frustrated over picturing myself as an old women on accident. I was just randomly thinking or putting myself subconsciously into a random situation. I picture myself as a girl. This person I picture looks nothing like me. An example would be when I was watching a YouTube video and it was about some kids getting kidnapped while they were being watched by a babysitter. I think it was a chills video or something spooky. I was like well, what if I was in that situation. Then I picture myself as a girl. Like in mid 20s or something and then I’ll correct myself but I dunno it just doesn’t work. I’ll get mad and try to remove myself, The girl I picture doesn’t look like me. I don’t know but if my head naturally puts myself as a girl in situations or if I’m just used to picturing myself as a female I guess? It only happens when I’m thinking about the far future and I’m not fully thinking just wandering in my head. I’ll almost immediately catch myself and get mad. But if I wanted to be a guy so badly then why is this even happening. In dreams I picture myself as how I look, dunno all that is just mildly annoying.
I know I overthink absolutely everything. Everything in this endless rant is overdone. I just think ‘what if what if’. I never let it just be anymore, I hate thinking about this stuff, I try not to because it hurts, I give myself a headache.
I also really want to use the guys bathroom. I’ve never used the bathroom in my new school because whatever one I go into I’m screwed. If I go into the guys bathroom I’m not worried about not looking like a guy I’m worried that someone I know will be in there and then nope I can’t even think about it. If I go into the girls bathroom it’s the opposite problem. I’ve got a big school so not that many people know me, I know some people still think I’m a guy (which feels amazing when someone my age says he) anyway I’m going to get a lot of strange looks if I go into that room. I have bathroom shyness ether way lmao but I’d love to use the correct bathroom at least.
I used to take ballet classes. I hate thinking about it now, I wasn’t a good dancer and I will never be a good dancer. I took them for like 5 years and I stopped taking them at like 12 or 13 I think (I don’t really remember much of this ether and I probably messed up the timeline a bit). My little sisters also took it and they were much more serious than I was. We had recitals and had to dress up in fancy costumes and dresses. I would have to wear makeup and I hated that, I’ve always hated makeup. I don’t remember how I felt during that time but the last like 2 years I took it I didn’t want to, I just ended up taking it again because my sisters were. I would often get in trouble in class and would complain every time I had to go. I liked to get my energy out and I didn’t mind wearing a leotard (idk if that’s spelled right). But at the same time, guys can do ballet. They can dress up in dresses and costumes and enjoy it. I really do wish I actually remembered how I felt about all that because I feel like it would be really helpful. me and my sister would also dress up and dance around in the living room and wear dresses and stuff.
I’ve been going through a bit of a foggy patch In life. I can feel my friends leaving me. I watch them make new ones. I don’t think it’s jealousy because it’s not that I don’t want any of my friends to have any other friends. That wouldn’t be fair. I just feel them getting bored of me. I feel them leaving. It can’t be their fault because this happens every time I make friends. I don’t think I’ve had a friend longer than about 6 or 7 months since like 3rd grade. It must be me. They all just drifted, I guess that’s normal but I do always put effort into the relationship. I’ve gotten better at keeping my problems in my own head. Every time I reach out for help they leave me. I’m just so done with everything, I’m done trying. All I do is lay in bed that’s it. Feelings have been harder to reach, music is getting old, I struggle to feel. I’m stuck, I’m trapped. The best solution is to give up. I want to be done, I want to give up.
(most recent feelings)
I’ve just been feeling numb, I really struggle to feel now. ‘Dysphoria’ is still there and I still cry every time I watch a trans related video. I think I’m getting used to these struggles and feelings but new problems have risen. My hips. I thought just wearing baggy sweatshirts and men’s jeans would cover all that up but I was liking at pictures my mom had takin of me and my siblings while on a hike and my hips are so ughhhhhh. When I sit I get so anxious about how my sweatshirt is tucked and get sooo anxious about my hips. It’s hard to explain but yeah sitting down has become one of my biggest forums of dysphoria recently and walking down the hallways at school. I think I have some kind of social anxiety because when I walk down that hallway my heart beats extremely fast I can feel myself shaking and I feel Ike everyone’s staring at me. Maybe that’s normal but I feel like it isn’t. It gets so bad that I can hear my heartbeat in my head and I just go into autopilot mode, I just get to my class and then get really anxious about the way I sit and how my legs look and how ‘female’ they are shaped. My hands still bother me and I get so angry if my binder isn’t working enough. I’ve also noticed how much of a baby face I have and how when I look in the mirror and look masculine I get like a small wave of confidence or happiness or something. I still don’t really feel anything while taking a shower and my voice still bothers me. When I’m at home I usually just hide in my room and I’m quite numb to my family members using she/her. When they speak that word always seems louder than all the others, I always hear it. My anxiety goes crazy when my sister has friends over because I hate it when she says “my sister” when she’s taking about me. Not sure why because I don’t really care about her friends but that definitely bothers me. Sometimes I’ll go in her room and hang out with them but I can’t for very long before I want to cry. I just don’t want them to think of me as “her weird big sister” I want them to think of me as “her weird big brother”. When hanging out with my little brother I just want him to think of me as a big brother. The word babysitter also triggers something in me now, it just makes me feel like a girl? I know guys can babysit and often have to watch younger siblings but ‘babysitting’ makes me just ugh. I don’t mind watching them and I know it really helps my mom out but I tend to cry when they don’t listen to me or if something just gets kinda shitty. Instead of showing anger I cry, this might have to do with trigger words and my depression but I’ve also always been a bit of a wimp. I hate it when I have to yell at them tho because my voice is so loud and feminine and it just makes me feel sick. I don’t enjoy arguing ether way but if you’ve ever had to watch younger siblings (for free) you know how it gets sometimes. Fights happen and they really don’t like listening to me (most of the time it’s all good but they will get mad if they can’t play Minecraft or aren't allowed to watch a show or something like that).
I’ve also been ignoring my feelings recently, I’ve been ignoring them and trying to just not think about trans stuff because it gives me a headache and I never get anywhere. It can just be so tiring and sometimes I’d rather just not feel. I haven’t had a massive breakdown in a while and being stressed about schoolwork has definitely helped keep my mind off of trans stuff. I just want to escape, I wanna get out of my head. I want to go a day without thinking about that stuff, I want to live freely. I know I’m not alone with depression and anxiety, so many people have it and I hate to say it but it almost seems common for someone my age to have them (especially some form of anxiety).
I’m sure I’ll think of something else to add to this mess and I’m sure new things will happen but I just need advice, I need help. Don’t go easy on me, I want true opinions. I don’t care if responses make me upset, I need help and at this point I’m willing to hear anything. Obviously don’t be crazy rude or anything but give the cold hard truth. I know I’m overthinking this but that’s why I need outsider opinions. I might post this again on a different subreddit so I’m sorry if this thing is just one big rant of annoying or me being selfish. If anyone has questions please ask them!! I just want to be careful about this, even socially transition is a big deal and I do believe you need dysphoria to be trans. If one person read this I’d be so thankful and I don’t think I could put into words about how greatly I’d appreciate advice.
~ a confused as hell, (almost) 16 year old :/
(I’ve posted this to to this subreddit before but it was messy and unedited so I decided to fix it up and post it again)
submitted by YeetMeToDaMoon04 to Advice [link] [comments]


2020.02.28 15:23 YeetMeToDaMoon04 Am I trans? (FtM)

I’m very lost in my own head. I need some outside opinions and advice and I think that would help me out a lot. I really hate being a girl, well I’m not a girl at least not mentally (I think), this would make me trans (female to male). It’s an argument to make that being trans has become more popular and it’s easier to actually transition over the last few years and the number of detransitioners is scary. I want to come out so badly, I just want to be myself but I’m also scared that I would regret things in the future. I’m still young, 16 in April, which is definitely too young to transition medically. If I did come out then I’d just be living with my binder and my feminine voice, I would just feel fake, like I’m doing it for attention or because I don’t know maybe the internet made me think I was trans. I’m worried about being called a trender, so many people (mostly girls) think that body dysmophia is dysphoria. Hating your body is different than feeling that it’s just so wrong. When I look at myself I don’t necessarily think my body itself or my face itself is ugly but I hate it because it’s not me. Sometimes I just look at myself and feel nothing. (This may be caused from some form of depression?) When I see myself as a female I don’t think that everything is ugly I just feel like it’s not me. It’s nearly impossible to explain the feeling of dysphoria. If I actually wanted to look female I’d be a relatively attractive female but that’s the problem. I’m not saying this is how all trans people feel but some don’t completely hate their bodies.
I’m very uncomfortable with things that most people don’t think about like my hands and the way my legs are shaped. I really hate my hands, they are very small and you can they’ll they are not a mans hands. I used to make my hands look really beat up (I still do just not as much) I would try to get cuts and scratches on them so they looked more masculine. Maybe it’s just that I don’t like my hands, everything has another side to it and this is why I haven’t come out yet. My voice has been extremely dysphoric(?) recently, with being at a new school and all. I just don’t want to be called she. I’ve found that I pass much more to adult strangers than teens, I guess younger people look a bit closer than older ones (idk). I don’t know why but I just feel more comfortable when I get called he. Its really scary when other people are around though, I hate being in those situations. When I get called he It makes me feel like all my efforts are actually paying off.
Another thing about my voice is singing. I’m not the best singer ever (by far) but I’m not the worst ether. It makes me so frustrated, I love singing but sometimes it mentally hurts to sing with my feminine voice. Of course that doesn’t completely stop me from singing but I mostly sing when I’m alone. At the same lots of people feel that way, maybe it’s just me being shy. Everything that I define as dysphoria could just be other things making me think that I’m trans. I hate it so much. What it I’m just thinking I’m trans because of something else. I feel so trapped inside my head. Some detrasitioners say that they were depressed during the time they thought they were trans. I know I’ve had depression for around 2 and a half years so maybe that’s changing my mind. I’ve always been uncomfortable with my body (we’ll probably since like age 12, so puberty lol).
Thinking about when I was younger makes me question myself so much, just when I get confident that I’m trans my head goes to my younger self. I think I began trying to pass as male or when I realized since December of 2018 so about a year and a half (ish). Before that I had a period of trying to be as feminine as possible, I tried wearing mascara and dresses more often. I bought leggings and other girly things. I thought that being more girly would make me more confident. After that I thought that maybe I was a lesbian because I felt more masculine and I guess I thought all lesbians feel masculine (lol). I dated a girl and had had a massive crush on a girl which made me think I liked only girls and tried to completely ignore my attraction for guys.
I know I am an extremely clingy person. Once I make a friend or even a good acquaintance I immediately attach myself to that person. When I was younger my mom babysat twins and we were really close friends. We did everything together, I didn’t really need anyone else. I wasn’t anywhere near as bad with it as I am now because I had a few friends when I was younger. I think I noticed it when I got really close with a guy named Max in 9th grade. We were best friends, I literally would tell him everything. Anyway that didn’t last long and I kinda knew that I wasn’t going to work out, nothing ever does. I had become so dependent on him in a sense of emotional support and I dunno I would vent sooooo much to him. I was (and still am) really really annoying and I regret spilling out everything to him but I had so many locked up things I wanted to say. I just let is all spill out, I told him I was trans which I regret. The relationship was really one sided and I know I was a pain in the ass to him. I feel like such a shitty person for the way things turned out and how I couldn’t control the crush I had. I wasn’t like super weird or anything but there were a few situations where I know know must’ve made him uncomfortable. He’s very gay (like full on stereotype gay) and I was a stupid freshman who didn’t understand that simply telling someone you think ur tans automatically makes you the opposite biological gender. I guess I thought he would be a bit more supportive and whatever but blah blah blah that doesn’t matter anymore. After that I had a short internet friendship and I think the exact same thing happened. I’m working on being less attracted to people who are clearly just friends and hold back any crushes. I just don’t wanna drag anyone else into this mess until I’m a bit more confident with who I am and maybe until I’m out (or whatever). I’m lonely but I guess it’ll be that way for a while longer.
Ive had crushes on boys in the past (like elementary school) but I blocked that out and ignored it. I think as I became more depressed I went through this self discovery period (I still am). I tried my hardest to forget labels. Eventually I developed a huge crush on a guy (Max, the person I explained earlier). I tried my very hardest to ignore my feelings but I decided to let it go and let it happen. That’s an entirely different story. Now I’m mainly attracted to guys. Once again I’m dealing with a crush on a gay guy.(Side note: I’m not into him anymore lol) This really messes with my head because I’m like um do I have like a thing for gay guys or is it because I am a gay guy myself (or Bisexual or something like that although I tend to be much more attracted to guys than girls. Like 15% girls and 85% guys) I know that’s also a thing that some trender girls do. They just really like gay guys. I really don’t feel like this is me because I did think he was attractive before I knew he was gay (along with other guys, not in a sexual way.)
I think that I just won’t let myself develop a crush on someone unless I have a slight chance with them. I’ve had 4 legitimate ones. Anyway because I feel like I’m mentally a guy (who is mostly attracted to guys) this is why I fee attracted to them. Of course my mind always goes back to thinking that I’m just a girl with creepy crushes. The thing is, I’m not a very sexually attracted person, I just want to have someone to talk to and like cuddle innocent stuff like that. I don’t know if that has anything to do with bottom dysphoria. My bottom “dysphoria” is not as strong as some trans guys. its not that I don’t wish I had male genitalia and all that but I just don’t think that stuff is as important. Like if I decided to transition and alleviated things like chest and voice dysphoria then maybe things like having a dick would be more important. For right now it’s the struggle of passing, maybe sexual activity in the future and bathroom stuff but for right now I have bigger worries.
I think I could survive without bottom surgery, unlike my chest which I just want it to be flat. It’s confusing to me because I don’t completely hate my chest but i feel more like myself when I’m binding. I’ve put on bras to “test” my dysphoria. I don’t hate what it looks like I just can’t imagine myself going out in public like that it just doesn’t feel correct. (It’s honestly quite impossible to explain) I’ve tried putting on one of my sisters wire bras and it just feels so so incorrect. Ugh I’m just very confused. I really think I’d be happier with top surgery but then of course my head says that maybe I just don’t want to wear a bra (instead of binding) because everyone is used to me having a flatter chest now. Maybe I’m just a female who doesn’t like having a bigger or having one at all. This has happened before and I’ve heard of a few women who got top surgery because they just didn’t like having tits. Maybe it’s because binding has just become so normal. But then why would I get so uncomfortable when my binder isn’t flattening as much as possible or when my jacket zipper folds up making a bump where my chest is. Is that dysphoria?
I just really hate being called she, of course before I realized (or was convinced or whatever) it didn’t bother me. Now though it’s just gotten worse and worse. I’ve gotten used to my family using she/her for me so I think I block it out more. At first at my new school I passed as a male. Of course when I started making friends one girl could tell I was biologically a girl and yeah it’s confusing now. I completely blame my voice for that situation tho. When she asked if I was a guy or a girl I said (and I quote) “well technically I’m a girl but I’d rather be a guy.” I am such an idiot. I completely made myself look like the biggest trender ever. I really really regret saying that. Now everyone at my lunch table say she. most people now know I’m a girl but some say he (which can be very awkward at times and it makes my anxiety go haywire. I like being called he but I’m not out so yeah.
I mean I feel I look much more like a guy than a girl but maybe I don’t pass as well as I wish I did. Those feelings change daily, like if I get called he my confidence will be pretty high or if my chest looks more masculine.
One of the biggest things that’s been stopping me from coming out is my early childhood. I have definitely always been very different. I loved playing with bugs, I absolutely loved stuffed animals (not gonna lie, I still do) at one point I thought I was squirrel. I was a really weird kid (but like aren’t we all?). I dressed however I did, however I wanted to. Whatever clothes I had I would just wear. I didn’t care about that, it was the least of my concerns. I wore dresses sometimes and other times I ran around naked in the woods covering myself in mud. I just didn’t care. Gender wasn’t something I ever really thought about, I mean I knew I was a girl so I went with it. I’m an easygoing person most of the time and avoid arguments and stressful situations or thoughts. This would make sense as to why I didn’t have dysphoria as a child. To be honest maybe I did but I have a terrible memory and can only remember tiny snippets of my life before the age of like 12. I remember getting our cat Quinn at 5ish and little bits of me and my sister playing but that’s about it. Everything else I just remember through stories or pictures and that keeps them much more accessible in my mind. I guess I have memories of what a did but not at all about how I felt. I don’t know if I ever felt like a little boy, my mom never forced me into any stereotype so I was just myself. She let me play with the toys I wanted to (which was a decent mix between “boys” and “girls” toys.) I know in like 4th and 5th grade I dressed almost exclusively in boys clothes. I had gotten hand-me-downs from my older cousin and kept asking for more because they were more comfortable (or something like that). I remember my sister making fun of me for wearing them and I’m not sure how hard that affected me because she’s always acted like the older sibling (and I’m quite scared of her now to be honest haha).
I don’t really remember if I got bullied because of this and I know I should talk to my mum but she already has wayyyy too much to worry about. My elementary and middle school situation was a little different than most because I went to a k-12 island school with around 65 students altogether. The teachers really didn’t like my mum because she would speak her mind and call out the school for all its shitty problems. I was treated differently than most of my peers by teachers but that’s a completely different story. Ether way I stopped dressing in boys clothes and tried my hardest to act like a “real” girl around 12 or 13ish.
I know I’m jumping around everywhere in this post but it’s just so hard to get all of this figured out and written down. I guess I’ll talk about more of my childhood because this has been bothering me for a while. In my early childhood My sister and I would play “prince and princess”, i was always the prince. My mom said I didn’t like it, but when I did try to be the girl i was really bad at it. We also played it sooooo many times and it was getting really old for me, we’d play it way too often. I would ‘save’ her or we’d get ‘married’ or both, ether way I’d dress up in some kind of makeshift suit and put my hair up in a bun. Sometimes I’d even draw on a fake beard or mustache.
Even when we got older I was still usually the boy. (like I said I barely remember this) We also started playing a game called “mother and sweetie” where my little sister was my daughter and I’d have a bunch of babydoll children. That game was usually more enjoyable and I loved pretending to take care of kids and run a household. I’ve always wanted to have kids. Haha like at least 4 (I don’t really care if they are biological or not and I’m aware of the medical procedures that are necessary for a trans-med guy to have bio kids like freezing eggs and all that, which I’m not sure how interested in that I’d be because I’ve heard the process is pretty intense in physical and especially mental terms.)
Anyway, I just kinda always went with it, whatever game she wanted to play that’s what we would play. “If a biological little boy was given girls toys to play with and told that was the norm and be content with it why wouldn’t a trans boy?” Ive posted this (less edited version) on a different subreddit and someone said something along those lines, I just had to include it in this rant of mine because I liked that idea. I mean it makes sense, especially if someone is naturally a ‘go with the flow’ type person like I am and was.
The thing that tends to throw me off is that when I was like 12 and 13 I really liked reborn baby dolls. I was in that stage (or phase??) when I dressed more girly to attempt to fit in more and I guess try to be more confident. I thought that would fix what could have been dysphoria. I’ve always played with Barbies but I just loved playing and creating stories, I love writing and making storylines so that would make sense in terms of playing and creating scenarios. I got a reborn baby doll and I loved it. I would shop for it and pretend it was my kid, I like really loved dressing it and creating outfits. A memory of walking to my grandmothers always comes to mind because I was wearing a blue floral dress and was pushing the doll all the way there in a stroller (at the age of fricken 13 lol ew). I’ve always been a relatively childish person and I still played with my stuffed animals at like 13. But whatever, playing with stuffed animals doesn’t really bother me that much. I just feel like every trans person I’ve seen on the internet has had dysphoria symptoms and signs since they were like 4 and I don’t really have that. Does that mean I’m just confused or convinced or been greatly affected by depression. I just don’t understand and I really want to, I want to know my inner truth. I find it really funny that technically speaking, I should have all the answers in my head, like why do I have to try so hard to figure out something as simple as gender?
When people at school say she it just makes me so uncomfortable. Like do I really look like a girl to you? Please be honest. I don’t know, why can’t I just be a girl, why can’t I just feel like one, then I could just be normal. Or be a regular guy who doesn’t have to try so hard for nothing. Maybe I wouldn’t be so angry all the time. Some days I just kinda give up and let it happen. It’s so annoying having to try so hard to just be myself but even then I still find myself drowning in thoughts and confusion. It’s one thing for my family to use she her, but my new friends too. I have so many mixed emotions and I just need help. I’m so scared if I come out then it will ruin things with my friends. It’s so new to have people to sit with at lunch and being able to help them with their problems and give them advice. Although, I don’t ever really ask them for help or ask them for advice or tell them how suicidal I am. I just feel so annoying and selfish and like I’m wasting their time. They’re good people but I’m scared to get too close to them, I just don’t wanna scare them off like I did my last friend, Max. I told him and after that he just kinda stopped caring about me. I miss him so much and I wish I hadn’t complained about all this so often, I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. I know realize that I was just using to vent and vent and vent. Of course that wasn’t the only reason I was friends with him but I was young and didn’t really know how to maintain a good relationship (honestly I still don’t but I’m a lot better at it than I was, lol I think.) I just wish I hadn’t have ruined that one because he was one of the best people I’ve ever met and I wanted to help him, I didn’t want him to hurt like I did.
I realized that I don’t have a massive amount of bottom dysphoria, i don’t really care about that. I don’t know, I mean I think I’ve just accepted the fact that I don’t have a dick. Currently I’m not sexually attracted to anyone in the “real world”. like I’ve watched porn shit and I get like turned on or whatever but I don’t really care about sex. I’d like to keep that kind of thing to myself, which I feel is relatively normal given my age ether way. I think I do want to have some form of sexual intercourse in the future but I’m still young. I don’t know if I wish I could get like a boner or whatever, I mean you can’t miss something you’ve never had. It just doesn’t give me massive dysphoria. I do like attempting to pack though, making it look like I’ve got a bump there.
I just worry that this means I’m not trans but just saying that makes me almost angry. I ‘want’ to be trans because I want to be a guy I don’t enjoy being this way. I don’t wanna be like this, but I can’t say that I wish I was a ‘normal’ girl because My head is so against that thought. I just want To be me, I don’t care about this stuff anymore I just wanna be happy. I wanna date people without having to explain everything or dragging them into this mess. I wanna be able to tell people my name but I don’t really know what that is. Obviously I have a name but ugh it’s just so tiring, I’m so done with this, I feel like I haven’t gotten anywhere for months.
Recently I’ve been getting so frustrated over picturing myself as an old women on accident. I was just randomly thinking or putting myself subconsciously into a random situation. I picture myself as a girl. This person I picture looks nothing like me. An example would be when I was watching a YouTube video and it was about some kids getting kidnapped while they were being watched by a babysitter. I think it was a chills video or something spooky. I was like well, what if I was in that situation. Then I picture myself as a girl. Like in mid 20s or something and then I’ll correct myself but I dunno it just doesn’t work. I’ll get mad and try to remove myself, The girl I picture doesn’t look like me. I don’t know but if my head naturally puts myself as a girl in situations or if I’m just used to picturing myself as a female I guess? It only happens when I’m thinking about the far future and I’m not fully thinking just wandering in my head. I’ll almost immediately catch myself and get mad. But if I wanted to be a guy so badly then why is this even happening. In dreams I picture myself as how I look, dunno all that is just mildly annoying.
I know I overthink absolutely everything. Everything in this endless rant is overdone. I just think ‘what if what if’. I never let it just be anymore, I hate thinking about this stuff, I try not to because it hurts, I give myself a headache.
I also really want to use the guys bathroom. I’ve never used the bathroom in my new school because whatever one I go into I’m screwed. If I go into the guys bathroom I’m not worried about not looking like a guy I’m worried that someone I know will be in there and then nope I can’t even think about it. If I go into the girls bathroom it’s the opposite problem. I’ve got a big school so not that many people know me, I know some people still think I’m a guy (which feels amazing when someone my age says he) anyway I’m going to get a lot of strange looks if I go into that room. I have bathroom shyness ether way lmao but I’d love to use the correct bathroom at least.
I used to take ballet classes. I hate thinking about it now, I wasn’t a good dancer and I will never be a good dancer. I took them for like 5 years and I stopped taking them at like 12 or 13 I think (I don’t really remember much of this ether and I probably messed up the timeline a bit). My little sisters also took it and they were much more serious than I was. We had recitals and had to dress up in fancy costumes and dresses. I would have to wear makeup and I hated that, I’ve always hated makeup. I don’t remember how I felt during that time but the last like 2 years I took it I didn’t want to, I just ended up taking it again because my sisters were. I would often get in trouble in class and would complain every time I had to go. I liked to get my energy out and I didn’t mind wearing a leotard (idk if that’s spelled right). But at the same time, guys can do ballet. They can dress up in dresses and costumes and enjoy it. I really do wish I actually remembered how I felt about all that because I feel like it would be really helpful. me and my sister would also dress up and dance around in the living room and wear dresses and stuff.
I’ve been going through a bit of a foggy patch In life. I can feel my friends leaving me. I watch them make new ones. I don’t think it’s jealousy because it’s not that I don’t want any of my friends to have any other friends. That wouldn’t be fair. I just feel them getting bored of me. I feel them leaving. It can’t be their fault because this happens every time I make friends. I don’t think I’ve had a friend longer than about 6 or 7 months since like 3rd grade. It must be me. They all just drifted, I guess that’s normal but I do always put effort into the relationship. I’ve gotten better at keeping my problems in my own head. Every time I reach out for help they leave me. I’m just so done with everything, I’m done trying. All I do is lay in bed that’s it. Feelings have been harder to reach, music is getting old, I struggle to feel. I’m stuck, I’m trapped. The best solution is to give up. I want to be done, I want to give up.
(most recent feelings)
I’ve just been feeling numb, I really struggle to feel now. ‘Dysphoria’ is still there and I still cry every time I watch a trans related video. I think I’m getting used to these struggles and feelings but new problems have risen. My hips. I thought just wearing baggy sweatshirts and men’s jeans would cover all that up but I was liking at pictures my mom had takin of me and my siblings while on a hike and my hips are so ughhhhhh. When I sit I get so anxious about how my sweatshirt is tucked and get sooo anxious about my hips. It’s hard to explain but yeah sitting down has become one of my biggest forums of dysphoria recently and walking down the hallways at school. I think I have some kind of social anxiety because when I walk down that hallway my heart beats extremely fast I can feel myself shaking and I feel Ike everyone’s staring at me. Maybe that’s normal but I feel like it isn’t. It gets so bad that I can hear my heartbeat in my head and I just go into autopilot mode, I just get to my class and then get really anxious about the way I sit and how my legs look and how ‘female’ they are shaped. My hands still bother me and I get so angry if my binder isn’t working enough. I’ve also noticed how much of a baby face I have and how when I look in the mirror and look masculine I get like a small wave of confidence or happiness or something. I still don’t really feel anything while taking a shower and my voice still bothers me. When I’m at home I usually just hide in my room and I’m quite numb to my family members using she/her. When they speak that word always seems louder than all the others, I always hear it. My anxiety goes crazy when my sister has friends over because I hate it when she says “my sister” when she’s taking about me. Not sure why because I don’t really care about her friends but that definitely bothers me. Sometimes I’ll go in her room and hang out with them but I can’t for very long before I want to cry. I just don’t want them to think of me as “her weird big sister” I want them to think of me as “her weird big brother”. When hanging out with my little brother I just want him to think of me as a big brother. The word babysitter also triggers something in me now, it just makes me feel like a girl? I know guys can babysit and often have to watch younger siblings but ‘babysitting’ makes me just ugh. I don’t mind watching them and I know it really helps my mom out but I tend to cry when they don’t listen to me or if something just gets kinda shitty. Instead of showing anger I cry, this might have to do with trigger words and my depression but I’ve also always been a bit of a wimp. I hate it when I have to yell at them tho because my voice is so loud and feminine and it just makes me feel sick. I don’t enjoy arguing ether way but if you’ve ever had to watch younger siblings (for free) you know how it gets sometimes. Fights happen and they really don’t like listening to me (most of the time it’s all good but they will get mad if they can’t play Minecraft or aren't allowed to watch a show or something like that).
I’ve also been ignoring my feelings recently, I’ve been ignoring them and trying to just not think about trans stuff because it gives me a headache and I never get anywhere. It can just be so tiring and sometimes I’d rather just not feel. I haven’t had a massive breakdown in a while and being stressed about schoolwork has definitely helped keep my mind off of trans stuff. I just want to escape, I wanna get out of my head. I want to go a day without thinking about that stuff, I want to live freely. I know I’m not alone with depression and anxiety, so many people have it and I hate to say it but it almost seems common for someone my age to have them (especially some form of anxiety).
I’m sure I’ll think of something else to add to this mess and I’m sure new things will happen but I just need advice, I need help. Don’t go easy on me, I want true opinions. I don’t care if responses make me upset, I need help and at this point I’m willing to hear anything. Obviously don’t be crazy rude or anything but give the cold hard truth. I know I’m overthinking this but that’s why I need outsider opinions. I might post this again on a different subreddit so I’m sorry if this thing is just one big rant of annoying or me being selfish. If anyone has questions please ask them!! I just want to be careful about this, even socially transition is a big deal and I do believe you need dysphoria to be trans. If one person read this I’d be so thankful and I don’t think I could put into words about how greatly I’d appreciate advice.
~ a confused as hell, (almost) 16 year old :/
(This has also been posted on the lgbt subreddit so I can get a wider range of opinions)
submitted by YeetMeToDaMoon04 to asktransgender [link] [comments]


2019.12.12 22:55 squigglespuabble A Guide to Questioning Gender and Fears about Regret (perhaps you can benefit from my obsessive nature lol)

So I have OCD and am also very scientifically minded. This has led me to be very intense about the questioning stage. I have some general advice about how to deal with questioning and fears that you will regret your transition. I can now say confidently that I am transgender man and I am excited to begin my transition. But it's taken me a bit to get here (and to be entirely honest, I do still have a way to go).
I have watched almost every AFAB detransition story on YouTube (like seriously, I actually hit the end), have really dug through rdetrans and through detrans Twitter, and have read almost every medical study on it I can find. So.... I've seen a lot. I would not recommend you do that yourself lol. But here are some of my findings!
Disclaimer: not everything might apply to you, especially my advice. I've largely written this as a guide for myself, but thought I should post it, in case it benefits someone.
Part 1: Facts to make you less scared
  1. People talk a lot about social contagion and "waves" of trans people transitioning due to the internet. ftm and MtF together represent 0.5% the size of AskReddit. This is right in line with studies of the size of the trans population, despite the fact that Reddit skews younger and (you would expect) it would draw all of these so-called "trenders."
  2. At times, the media fluctuates between obsessing about transfemme people and obsessing about transmasc people. Right now, the talk seems to be about "all these young women getting roped into gender hysteria," but the size of ftm is similar to MtF.
  3. redetrans is about 5% the size of ftm plus MtF (despite having a significant contingent of radfems who never transitioned).
  4. If 0.5% of the population is trans, then there are on the order of millions of trans people. So even if a small proportion of them detransition, the number will be quite large.
  5. Many of these AFAB detrans people don't actually regret huge parts of their medical transition. At the end of the day, they may feel like women, but having a deeper voice or a flat chest might resolve some of these real gender dysphoric feelings they have. I've also spotted posts in rdetrans about AMAB detrans people who were nevertheless happy about some of the physical changes through their transition (ie, maybe identify as men but still are on HRT). Obviously for some people, re-transitioning can be brutally painful. But it's worth noting that not every detrans person regrets every aspect of their transition!
  6. I was reading a book about drag kings from the late 90s or 2000s and, in it, there was language about the transgender vs transsexual men. The transsexual men argued that the transgender men were not as real/going to regret it/doing it for the wrong reasons. For example, not desperately craving a penis or having at one point ID'd as lesbian could get you labeled as "transgender" (vs transsexual). Another book from around then had similar language. Similarly, on the MtF side, I've seen the debates labeled as who are the "crossdressers" compared to the "real transsexuals" (who's "just enjoying it in a sexual context" vs always?) date back decades and decades. So this debate about how extreme your dysphoria needs to be do be trans has been around literally forever. I hope some day we (trans community but mostly larger society) stop trying to rigidly box people, but that's the way things are for now.
Part 2: What sorts of experiences do detransitioners share? (so you can look out for traits/experiences to be thoughtful about in yourself)
  1. Trauma/running from AGAB (assigned gender at birth): These people had very intense experiences early in life that made them dissociate from their AGAB. For example, a detrans person with this narrative might have experienced childhood sexual assault, or realized they were gay and experienced harassment for that, or experienced classic sexism and unwanted sexual attention from men as they grew up. The thought process is something like: if being a woman sucks, perhaps being a man won't. (Or flipped for AMAB people). Watch for: History of trauma. Your thought processes around transition. Of course, you can be trans if you've experienced trauma. You might want to be careful if your thought processes are something like "I hate being a girl. I hate being a lesbian. Society treats me horribly," or alternatively, "I hate being a guy. I experienced sexual assault in my male body. I was called slurs for my gender expression and hate the rigid expectations for masculinity."
  2. Other disorders manifesting as dysphoria: These people often have eating disorders, autism, anxiety, and/or depression. Again, you can totally be trans if you have any of these conditions, you'll just want to dig into this carefully with a therapist. Watch for: eating disorders, autism, anxiety, and/or depression. Your thought processes about transition.
  3. Ideological/ "I'll never pass": This type is pretty sad to watch. People who talk about how they realized they'd, "Never really be XYZ." Or how they wasted so much time and energy invested in trans identity politics (and then devote a crazy amount of time developing detrans media instead). They will talk about how their transition was inspired by seeing "one thing on Tumblr" and then their detransition was inspired by seeing "one radfem thing on Tumblr." Building real-life support systems can help you avoid these kinds of ideological whiplash or to garner the strength to make it through the (very taxing) transition process. Watch for: Support system! Trans people detransition. This can be quite taxing mentally. If you wait to transition until you feel ready, have a good therapist and friends who will listen, and real-life support groups, it will be less likely you'll fall into this pitfall.
  4. No video/casual: These are people I know in real life and the people that some trans vloggers tend to be brutal about. Many gender words are relatively new. Especially when people are young, they might be confused about many aspects of their identity. Words that work to describe your experience when you're 14 might not always work. That's okay and totally normal. While reversing a social transition can be difficult, these people don't tend to make videos etc. about their experiences because they're (at least in my mind) a pretty normal process of growing up and most of these people didn't begin medical transitions.
Part 3: What should I do to make the right choice?
  1. Readjust your thinking out of the "either I'm a binary trans person or I'm a big fraud" framework. There have always been people who bent with gender! Stone Butch Blues is often described as an iconic lesbian text, but in the book the narrator shifts from identify as a lesbian to taking T and passing as a trans guy to identifying a "he-she" (I'd assume in modern language the narrator would ID as non-binary). And this book is set in 1970s! If you check out butchlesbians you'll see plenty of butch people who struggle w dysphoria and adopt parts of a medical transition. For AMAB people, you can check out posts in NonBinary (search HRT and AMAB) to see people's experiences with a medical transition that don't look like the conventional binary experience. If you start a social transition and then realize you don't feel like a trans guy so much as he/him lesbian, then great! If you start HRT and realize you identify as genderqueer, then great! If dressing femme makes you so comfortable that you no longer desire HRT, then great! You've found out something radical about yourself. The world is hard out there for gender-nonconforming people and if you "change your mind" it doesn't necessarily mean you made a mistake, but rather were following the necessarily bumpy road to understanding your place in this very heteronormative/strict-gender-roles society.
  2. Don't rush this! Even if you're correct (and you probably are) that you're some flavor of trans, the questioning phase can bring out really valuable pieces of information about yourself, your identity, and how you make yourself happy. This is the same advice I give to friends following a breakup – don't jump into something new or you'll miss the opportunity to get to know yourself better (and in a sense, transitioning is like going through a gender breakup).
  3. Journal! Seriously. Go buy a cute little notebook and make yourself write down your gender thoughts. On the good days, on the bad days. It will be so useful to have to look back on as you make decisions. (and it's psychologically healthy for you).
  4. Think about which of your friends is the best listener and tell them. You want someone who won't judge you if you come to them saying "Hey, I thought this packer would make me feel good. It actually makes me feel like shit." Ideally, you should also try and get a therapist. Pro-tip: If you're in college, go to your college's LGBT center (or reach out to people affiliated with any LGBT groups) and see if they have someone on staff you can talk to or information about which therapist's are best in the area. I'm seeing someone for free via my school!
  5. If you have any of the Part 2 warning signs, you should really try and get a therapist to unpack these issues! I was dubious, but after finding a good match I can attest to how awesome a great therapist is. I was probably going to transition either way, but now I feel far more confident/comfortable in my decision. This might be your experience, or you might find that (working on your eating disorder etc.) will significantly alleviate your dysphoria.
  6. Find a couple people to experiment with pronouns and names privately. This might be a "me-thing," but I'd actually advise you against coming out to everyone until you feel quite confident. Trusting just a few people can really help reduce the anxiety about whether this is the right move.
  7. Experiment with the easily reversible parts of transition: cut your hair! grow your hair out! buy some boxers! buy some girly frilly underwear! get "boy pants"! get a twirly skirt! Whatever allows you to tap into a new means of gender expression.
  8. Write down questions you're worried people might ask you when you come out and then write out answers to them. I found myself getting anxious about how'd I'd answer, "Why were you so into makeup just a year ago? Huh??" if someone asked me. Well. Why wait until someone asks me? I have the answer prepared: "I really enjoyed the validation of presenting femininely. Eventually, my feelings of discomfort overrode my happiness from the approval I got from my feminine presentation. As hard as I tried, I couldn't avoid the truth that transition is something necessary for my longer run happiness." Through answering these questions, you'll be able to better form your own trans narrative!
If you're questioning and want to talk to someone who's also questioning feel free to PM me!
Much love,
Arthur

EDIT 1: I just edited to make it more universally applicable (ie less just FtM). Let me know if I've missed anything or made significant mistakes!
submitted by squigglespuabble to asktransgender [link] [comments]


2019.12.10 16:56 YeetMeToDaMoon04 Transgender advice

I’m 15 currently
am I trans?

I really hate being a girl, well I’m not a girl at least not mentally. Yes this would make me trans. It’s an argument to make that being trans has become more popular over the last few years and the number of detransitioners is scary. I want to come out so badly, I just want to be myself but I’m also scared that I would regret coming out in the future. I’m just too young, I’m 15, which is definitely too young to transition medically. If I did come out then I’d just be living with my binder and my feminine voice, I would just feel fake, like I’m doing it for attention or because I don’t know maybe the internet made me think I was trans. I’m worried about being called a trender, so many people (mostly girls) think that body dysmophia is dysphoria. Hating your body is different than feeling that it’s just so wrong. When I look at myself I don’t necessarily think my body itself or my face itself is ugly but I hate it because it’s not me. When I see myself as a female I don’t think that face is bad I just know it’s not me. It’s nearly impossible to explain the feeling of dysphoria. If I actually wanted to look female I’d be an attractive female but that’s the problem. I’m not saying this is how all trans people feel but some don’t completely hate their bodies, like if it was a different person. Things that most people don’t think about like my hands. I really hate my hands, they are very small and you can they’ll they are not a mans hands. I used to make my hands look really beat up (I still do just not as much) I would try to get cuts and scratches on them so they looked more masculine. Maybe it’s just that I don’t like my hands, everything has another side to it and this is why I haven’t come out yet. I don’t know why but it would help. My voice has been very dysphoric recently, with being at a new school and all. I just want to be called he. I find that I pass much more to adult strangers than teens. I don’t know why but I just feel so comfortable when I get called he. It makes me feel like all my efforts are actually paying off. Another thing about my voice is singing. I’m not the best singer ever (by far) but I am not the worst ether. It makes me so angry sometimes, I love singing but it mentally hurts to sing with my feminine voice. Of course that doesn’t completely stop me from singing but I mostly sing when I’m alone. But lots of people feel that way, maybe it’s just me being shy. Everything I feel that I define as dysphoria could just be other things making me thank that I’m trans. I hate it so much. What it I’m just thinking I’m trans because of something else. I feel so trapped inside my head. Some detrasitioners say that they were depressed during the time they thought they were trans. I know I’ve had depression for at least a year and a half so maybe that’s changing my mind. I’ve always been uncomfortable with my body. When I was younger makes me question myself so much, just when I get confident that I’m trans my head goes to my younger self. I think I began trying to pass as male or when I realized since December of 2018 so almost a full year. Before that I had a period of trying to be as feminine as possible, I tried wearing mascara and dresses more often. I bought leggings and other girly things. I thought that being more girly would make me more confident. After that I thought that maybe I was a lesbian. I dated a girl and I had had a massage crush on a girl which had originally caused me to become depressed. I had- had crushes on boys in the past but I blocked that out and ignored the past. I think as I became more depressed I went through this self discovery period (I still am). I tried my hardest to forget labels. Eventually I developed a huge crush on a guy. I tried my very hardest to ignore it but then I just decided to let it go and let it happen. That’s an entirely different story. Now I’m mainly attracted to guys. Once again I’m dealing with a crush on a gay guy. This really messes with my head because I’m like um do I have like a thing for gay guys or is it because I am a gay guy myself. I know that’s also a thing that some trender girls do. They just really like gay guys. I really don’t feel like this is me because I did think he was attractive before I knew he was gay. I think that I just won’t let myself develop a crush on someone unless I have a slight chance with them. And because I am mentally a guy (who is mostly attracted to guys) I feel that this is why I fee attracted to them. Of course my mind always goes back to thinking that I’m just a girl with creepy crushes. The thing is, I’m not a very sexually attracted person, I just want to have someone to talk to and like cuddle and shiz. I don’t know if that has anything to do with bottom dysphoria. My bottom “dysphoria” is not as strong as some trans guys. its not that I don’t wish I had male parts (lol cringe) but i guess I just don’t think that stuff is as important. I think I could survive without bottom surgery, unlike my chest which I just want it to be flat. It’s confusing to me because I don’t completely hate my chest but i feel more like myself when I’m binding. I’ve put on bras to “test” my dysphoria. I don’t hate what it looks like I just can’t imagine myself going out in public like that it just doesn’t feel like me. I have tried putting on one of my sisters wire bras and it just feels so so incorrect. Ugh I am just so confused. I really think I’d be happier with top surgery but then of course my head says that maybe I just don’t want to wear a bra (instead of binding) because everyone is used to me binding now. Maybe it’s because binding has just become so normal. But then why would I get so uncomfortable when my binder isn’t flattening as much as possible or when my jacket zipper folds up making a bump where my chest is. Is that dysphoria? I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know. I really hate being called she, of course before I realized (or was convinced or whatever) it didn’t bother me. Now though it’s just gotten worse and worse. It feels like a punch. I’ve gotten slightly more used to my family using she her for me so I think I block it out more. At first at my new school At first I passed as a male. Of course when I started making friends one girl somehow magically found out I was biologically a girl. I completely blame my voice. Then when she asked if I was a guy or a girl I said (and I quote) “well technically I’m a girl but I’d rather be a guy.” I am such an idiot. I completely made myself look like the biggest trender ever. I really really regret saying that. Now everyone at my lunch table say she. And now the guy I like says she. It feels like the biggest punch to the face. Slowly more and more people are finding out that I’m actually a girl and it feels like the world is crumbling. Of course anyone who doesn’t know is going to assume I’ma guy. I mean I really feel I look much more like a guy than a girl but maybe I don’t pass as well as I think I do. I hate being called beautiful, it feels like an insult. But maybe my brain is just making all these things bad because ugh I don’t know how to explain it. The biggest thing that has been stopping me recently from coming out is things from my early childhood. I have definitely always been very different. I loved playing with bugs, I absolutely loved stuffed animals (not gonna lie, I still do) at one point I thought I was squirrel. I was a really weird kid. I dressed however I did. Whatever clothes I had I would just wear. I didn’t care about that, it was the least of my concerns. I wore dresses sometimes and other times I ran around naked in the woods covering myself in mud. I just didn’t care. Gender wasn’t something I ever really thought about, I mean I knew I was a girl so I went with it. My sister would love playing “prince and princess” with me, i was always the boy. My mom said I didn’t like it, but when I did try to be the girl (after much convincing to my sister) it was really bad at it. I don’t really remember it very well but even when we got older I was still usually the boy or the mom. Haha I was usually her boyfriend or her grumpy mother. I just kinda went with it. The thing that tends to throw me off is that when I was like 12 and 13 ( somewhere in between there) I really liked dolls. I’ve always played with Barbies but I just loved playing and creating stories. I got a reborn baby doll and I loved it. I would shop for it and pretend it was my kid. I just feel like that’s a really girly thing. I’m just so confused.
Ugh i just cried over such stupid things. “I hung out with 2 girls today, haha I have no guy friends” ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I hate everything. It’s a feeling of anger and depression all mixed up. It just makes me so uncomfortable. Like do I really look like a girl to you? Please be honest. I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I don’t k Why can’t I just be a girl, then I could just be normal. Or even better be a regular guy. Who doesn’t have to try so hard for nothing. Maybe I wouldn’t be so god damn angry all the time. Some days I just kinda give up and let it happen. It’s so annoying having to try so hard to just be myself but even then I just can’t do this. It’s one thing for my family to use she her, but my new friends too. I have so many mixed emotions and I just need help. I’m so scared if I come out then it will ruin things with my friends. It’s so new and exiting to finally have friends. I’m so scared to say anything. My ex-best friend, I told him and after that he just kinda stopped caring about me. I miss him so much and I wish I hadn’t complained about all this so much, I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. I’m just using this to vent and vent and vent. It feels a bit better having it all written down. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
*future me* Almost cried reading this it’s all so true, all these feelings confuse me and new things bother me now. I realized that I don’t have a massive amount of bottom dysphoria, i don’t really care about that. I don’t know, I mean I think I’ve just accepted it. Currently I’m not sexually attracted to anyone in the “real world” I dunno I just don’t care. I guess I wish I could see what it’s like to have guy parts because right now I want everything below the waist to be private. It’s not that I don’t feel turned on ever or anything (eww cringeeeee lmao ew) I do feel those things. Maybe someday I do want to experience that but it’s just not important to me. It’s just something that exists, I get rid of the feeling and it’s gone. I don’t know if I wish I could get “wood” (XDDD lmaooooooo) I mean you can’t miss something you’ve never had. It just doesn’t give me massive dysphoria. I do like attempting to pack though. Making it look like I’ve got a bump there but whatever. I just worry that this means I’m not trans but just saying that makes me almost angry. I don’t understand why, I want to be trans because I want to be a guy I don’t enjoy being this way. I don’t wanna be like this, but I can’t say that I wish I was a ‘normal’ girl because My head is so against that. I just want To be me, I don’t care about this stuff anymore I just want to be happy. I want to date people without having to explain everything or not even attempting because I’m worried about changing my mind in the future. What if I do come out and then decide to not do anything. I can’t imagine myself doing that though. Also recently I’ve been getting so frustrated over picturing myself as like an old women on accident. I was just randomly thinking or putting myself subconsciously into a random situation. I picture myself as a girl. This person I picture looks nothing like me. An example would be when I was watching a YouTube video and it was about some kids getting kidnapped while they were being watched by a babysitter. It was a chills video (FYI lol) I was like hmm what if I was in that situation. Then I picture myself as a girl. Like in mid 20s or something and then I’ll correct myself but I dunno it just doesn’t work. I’ll get mad and try to remove myself from that because I get so confused and angry. The girl I picture don’t look like me though. I don’t know but if my head naturally puts myself as a girl in situations where I’m not all there. It only happens when I’m thinking about the far future and I’m not fully thinking just wandering in my head. I’ll almost immediately catch myself and get mad. Is it because I’m so used to being called she or is it a habit. But then if I wanted to be a guy so badly then why is this even happening. When I’m thinking regularly and I build a seine ( can’t spell that right) I always picture myself as what I look like. I just picture me and I’m usually imagining passing or having a significant other. I just don’t understand what this means. I know I overthink absolutely everything. Everything in this endless rant is overdone. I just think what if what if. I never let it just be anymore, I hate thinking about this stuff though I try not to because it hurts. I give myself a headache, it’s just too much to deal with. I can’t. Nope.
I also really want to use the guys bathroom. I’ve never used the bathroom in my new school because whatever one I go into I’m screwed. If I go into the guys bathroom I’m not worried about not looking like a guy I’m worried that someone I know will be in there and then nope I can’t even think about it. If I go into the girls bathroom it’s the opposite problem. I’ve got a big school so not that many people know me, I know some people still think I’m a guy (which feels amazing when someone my age says he, it makes me feel so much more confident. It’s also really scary, in classes there are some people who know and some who don’t so yeah that’s not fun when someone says he and everyone is confused and then someone says she and yeah.) anyway I’m going to get a lot of strange looks if I go into that room. Yeah so i don’t know. I have bathroom shyness ether way lmao but I’d love to use the correct bathroom at least.
I’ve been going through a bit of a foggy patch In life. I can feel my friends leaving me. I watch them make new ones. I don’t think it’s jealousy because it’s not that I don’t want any of my friends to have any other friends. That wouldn’t be fair. I just feel them getting bored of me. I feel them leaving. It can’t be their fault because this happened every time. I don’t think I’ve had a friend longer than about 3 or 4 months since like 3rd grade. It must be me. They all just drifted, I guess that’s normal but I do always put effort into the relationship. I’ve gotten better at keeping my problems in my own head. Every time I reach out for help they leave me. I’m just so done with everything, I’m done trying. All I do is lay in bed that’s it. Feelings have been harder to reach, music is getting old, I struggle to feel. I’m stuck, I’m trapped. The best solution is to give up. I want to be done, I want to give up.
sorry :/ I just really need help
submitted by YeetMeToDaMoon04 to Advice [link] [comments]


2019.02.18 12:16 jeffseid1697 PHP Short Course

PHP Short Course
PHP, also known as "Home Page" is one of the standard language versions of the server that typically uses html activities for design and MySQL data. Predictive Prediction is another PHP extension if we talk about it technically. Would you like to learn PHP? Of course, it is a simple and understandable language. The full PHP study of a week is not possible for a normal person but timetables timetable can help you learn enough important sites to become a website developer.

https://preview.redd.it/tshvtdg09bh21.jpg?width=900&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=81a40735a423a71b7109d308c2d7877c5d746e7f

Day 1:

The first step in the PHP program is to learn HTML. Language Writing Language or HTML is a web based design. HTML tags are used to create web pages or the web site that needs to be displayed on the internet. Allow the first day to learn HTML5, the latest tool for web development.

Day 2:

When you think about using HTML, it's time to start the PHP program. If they are on internet or textbooks, the first program will be to display the "Hello World" on the Internet. With the steps of the child for PHP, here you are learning how to use HTML tags to perform web pages.

Day 3:

Start with the scanners on how to create productivity and productivity for the computer program. Trenders and issues are represented by the performance. Creating and using variables to represent multi-tasking and many productive products will make it easier for you to make the logic and the manufacturer's implementation.

Day 4:

Using the Terms and Conditions terms play an important role in PHP programs. This is used to clarify road and road logs depending on the devices and conditions. On the fourth day, you learn about the creative process and many different texts. For example, a statement is used to implement the same program multiple times without the extension lines.

https://preview.redd.it/5nxh7vj19bh21.png?width=1306&format=png&auto=webp&s=e2071033cfc4b60a020072bcd8c5334d1f2674d7

Day 5 & 6:

The working part is large and this requires at least two days. Real-time situations such as date, time, punctuation, etc. are defined as jobs and are used in the program language to carry out the website. There are jobs created and jobs that describe the user. Learning every part of the day will cover basic knowledge about how to use PHP programs.

Day 7:

There are a few ideas such as the most important but important comments. On the last day of the week, you can go to these.
The completion of this schedule will equip PHP with the foundation; Increasing the basic knowledge base can really make you a good PHP program.
submitted by jeffseid1697 to u/jeffseid1697 [link] [comments]


Dating Advice: Internet Dating Help The Worst Transtrender I Have Ever Encountered (Trans Guys ... Tinder, Match & Online Dating - YouTube A Weird Tip for Online Dating That Works!  Mat Boggs ... Best Online Dating Apps of 2020: No Bullshit Review ... Wink, Meet, Delete (Online Dating Documentary)  Real ... Is Internet Dating Effective? - YouTube How I hacked online dating  Amy Webb - YouTube Online Dating & Messaging Women - YouTube 7 True Scary Online Internet Dating Horror Stories (Vol. 2 ...

3 online dating trends to look for in 2019

  1. Dating Advice: Internet Dating Help
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  3. Tinder, Match & Online Dating - YouTube
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  5. Best Online Dating Apps of 2020: No Bullshit Review ...
  6. Wink, Meet, Delete (Online Dating Documentary) Real ...
  7. Is Internet Dating Effective? - YouTube
  8. How I hacked online dating Amy Webb - YouTube
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